Women roaring

(Lady Liberty lights went out last night. Coincidence?)

We come in all different shapes, sizes and colors. We come as creator. We are warriors. We are goddesses. We are lovers.

We are mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, best friends forever, wives and soul mates.
 
Many of us bare the fruit of life and care take the hardest and most glorious moments life has to offer.
 
We HAD grown accustomed to being under valued, under paid, assaulted, raped, accused, cat-called, criticized, demeaned.
 
We endured pussy as metaphor for weak.
 
There is nothing weak about pussy.
 
There is nothing weak about us.
 
You try doing it backwards and in heals.
 
As a young child, I rarely wore a shirt or shoes. When I did, I wore a red t-shirt with a rhinestone shooting star on the front of it. I swear every time I wore that shirt, I would see a real live shooting star in the night sky. Makes me wonder why I didn't wear it more.
 
I played with Barbie and Ken. Mostly naked. The dolls, not me. Mostly with Ken’s head on Barbie’s body and Barbie’s head on Ken’s body.
 
I wasn’t a girlie. I was wild. Rugged. Dirty. Princesses, dresses, dolls, princes - they weren’t my thing.
 
I remember early my father telling me I could do whatever I wanted to do, something about not letting my being a girl, or maybe he said woman, hold me back. He told me that nothing could hold me back.
 
I also remember my mother telling me about using my gender in a way that would make people give me what I wanted. I knew what she meant, even at a young age, that I could play the woman card so-to-speak and get certain things. She wasn’t referring to jewels or clothes; she was giving me practical tips on negotiating deals at the auto-body shop.
 
Both messages made sense and both were confusing. They were trying to tell me something very important, that I wasn’t equal. And that I was.
 
I went to an all-girls High School where I learned to demean myself and compete with other girls. I was painfully aware of not being anything enough – not attractive, smart, bitchy, funny, popular enough. In high school I learned I wasn’t enough because I was a woman.
 
It was then that the grip of misogyny fully grabbed hold and dug it’s way into my membrane. I became skilled at catty, mean, judgmental and self-loathing.
 
It didn’t help that I was in love with all of my best girl friends. That my sexuality was bursting through seams. There were no role models to show me the way.
 
My saving grace, the warrior beating down the myth was Joannie Parker, my high school woman studies teacher. Mrs. Parker and Adrienne Rich and May Sarton and Georgia O’Keefe and Madonna. Madonna knew that to succeed you have to play a game that eviscerates women and manipulates men. She didn’t want to do it. She had no choice. She described the experience perfecting when accepting the woman of the year award from Billboard Magazine. It’s well worth the watch. Madonna embodies all of us.
 
I learned early about the triple threat of misogyny – the self-deprecation, the woman on woman competition or violence as I believe it is and the world under valuing us.
 
It never made sense. It was manufactured. I always knew it was wrong and I was wrong in believing it was true.
 
I was the type of woman who was painfully aware of being the only woman in the room.
 
At Microsoft I was acutely aware of others claiming my ideas as their own. I truly thought I was a bad communicator.
 
I worked for a woman fifteen years my senior who criticized my every move. She could have mentored me but instead kept me small. My next manager was a man whose lizard tongue darted out uncontrollably as he stared at my chest.
 
I hated being in groups with other women as I viewed us as second class. The kool-aid was strong and I drank several glasses too many.
 
It’s been a process of recovery.
 
It’s been delicious to wake up from the drug and see feel hear know the beauty in all my sisters.
 
Nothing was more crushing than the criticisms attacks and loss of our Hillary. Nothing will make us rise harder from the flames than the misogyny we are endlessly combatting, the misogyny others say doesn’t exist.
 
Clearly it wasn’t the emails as you don’t seem to care when Mike Pence does it.
 
She was too strong, too smart, too experienced, too good.
 
Who did she think she was?! She was flawed.
 
Well, America certainly told her.
 
My niece recently told me she broke up with her boyfriend because he was unconsciously misogynistic. I have never felt so proud of her. Every story she told about him, about the things he said to her, I responded with “good for you.”
 
She’s awake. She’s twenty-six. She’s kick-ass.
 
I’m blessed to know beautiful feminist men. Men who amplify all the women around them. Men who see our strength, grace and beauty in our truest form. Men who love powerful and smart women because they are powerful and smart women.
 
I know so many fierce women who are fighting the good fight. Who love on each other harder because we’re sisters. Who are elevating each other to highest form. Who would go to the ends of the earth for each other because we get it, because we’re in it together.
 
We lose each time we pay a woman less, we let a rapist get off, we value men over the women who gave us life.
 
I have learned to re-love being a woman.
 
We give life.
 
We are earth.
 
Mother.
 
Nourish.
 
Nurture.
 
We birthed you.
 
Elevate us today as we elevate you.
 
Elevate us everyday.
 
Wear red. Make calls. Never stop fighting for what is right.
 
I am in love with you –
 
:: genessa

Follow the Money

#Day45

The last 20 months, and in particular, the last 45 days (since Jan 21) are like a bad movie. The end seems near, although it's so hard to tell. Do you think our heroine will reappear to save Democracy? 

If you haven't been doing so, I recommend watching Rachel Maddow and following Louise Mensch on Twitter. These two women are on it, - following the long, crooked and stinky money trail.

The Regime is tied to some really bad deals and bad people. They may even be tied to people funding terrorism. We MUST see his tax returns.

Pence isn't clean either. Remember he's their savior, their knight of white supremacy. He lies, cheats and deceives while in Church. The email server hypocrisy and hatred of women and gays is awfully suspicious. Where there is a white man vehementlyobstructing gay justice, there is a latent self-loathing homosexual. I can't wait for that plot line.

The whole Regime needs to topple, Lyin' Ryan included. And while we can see the light, they are pulling harder on the wool to cover the eyes with lies to their supporters. I imagine you know the list of ridiculous and disgusting. 

Our role stays the same, we are the endlessly squeaky wheel. Same actions as yesterday. We make the same calls daily until change happens. Affordable Care Act moves to the top of the list as they are pushing a bill that benefits the rich and screws the poor.

I really can't wait until we vote these fools out of office. 2018 is just a moment away.

TODAY’S EASY ACTIVISM IS:

SENATOR CALLS

  • TAXES
  • INDEPENDENT INVESTIGATION TO RUSSIA
  • JEFF SESSIONS RESIGNATION

CONGRESS CALLS

DEMAND THEY VOTE NO TO ALL OF THESE BILLS WITH THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT REPEAL BILL AT THE TOP OF THE LIST.

  • H.R. 861 – Terminate the EPA
  • H.R. 610 – Tax dollars for Private Schools
  • H.R. 899 – Terminate the Dept of Education
  • H.R. 69 Repeal the rule to project wildlife
  • H.R. 370 Repeal the Affordable Care Act
  • H.R. 354 Defund Planned Parenthood
  • H.R. 785 National Right-to-Work legislation (this will cripple the unions)
  • H.R. 83 Mobilizing against sanctuary cities (strips these cities of federal funding)
  • H.R. 147 Criminalize Abortion

1. Wednesday, March 8th, The Day Without a Woman
If you can -

  • Women take the day off, from paid and unpaid labor
  • Avoid shopping for one day (with exceptions for small, women- and minority-owned businesses).
  • Wear RED in solidarity with A Day Without A Woman

2. Wednesday, March 15 - THE IDES OF TRUMP postcard campaign to trump expressing our outrage.

3. April 15 Tax Day March & Black Lives Matters. 

PLEASE SHARE!
 
FIGHT THE HATE & KEEP THE FAITH!
 
LOVE LOVE LOVE. It is all we need. 
 
:: genessa

YES WE WILL

#Day44

My wife once suggested I title my memoir (assuming I write a memoir) “Fuck You Fucks You”.

We were walking on the beach and I was ranting about the multitude of times my ego’d attitude ate me alive. How, throughout my young life, when I perceived the slightest slight, I huffed and puffed and blew my own house down.
 
My quick draw of rage seemingly protected me from rejection, disappointment and pain.
 
“Yeah, you’re going do that to me, well wait and see what I’m going to do to you.”
 
What I thought was being done to me was all in my head, reared in an attachment that I deserved more...just because I did.
 
It’s the fuck you of entitlement, the belief that I was owed something simply because I showed up. It’s the ultimate defense mechanism. It kept me from being accountable and responsible for where and how I was.
 
And it did not keep me safe from rejection, disappointment and pain.
 
Those feelings festered.
 
With each fuck you literally and metaphorically spewed, I hurt myself.
 
Each time I turned away and slammed a door, I locked out opportunity, love, generosity, growth and my own evolution.
 
We are living in a huge Fuck You moment.
 
Our elected officials are in love with Fuck You. They are stripping away our rights to clean air, good health, education, healthy food, healthy everything.
 
Thing is they need these things as much as, we, the progressively minded do.
 
The Regime can’t stop spewing Fuck You to everybody who pulls back the curtain just the slightest bit.
 
And we’ve given them permission to do this. We’ve made it okay to yell at strangers, to hate on strangers, to blame others for our own existence.
 
Of course when I say we, I don’t mean you, I mean US. All of us.
 
We saw I Am Not Your Negro and I, again, felt horrified by the inhumanity of people, by my inhumanity.

I read Hillbilly Elegy and I can’t stop thinking about the story of young people quitting their jobs because the start time was too early and then blaming Obama for not having jobs.
 
With each fuck you, somebody else is accountable, somebody else is to blame, somebody else did this to us.

Obama.
The DNC.
Libtards.
Snowflakes.
Crooked Hillary - 
it makes me sick to write those two words. 

 
These are hurtful times. It's painful to be yelled at endlessly. It’s painful to witness the unaccountability and disrespect of all we hold dear. It’s overwhelming actually.

We did this and we will undo this. We have been taught to value stuff, to buy more, to have more, to consume consume consume.
 
This is not why we are here on earth, in this body, for this finite amount of time.
 
We are here to love more.
To give more.
To grow more.
To share.
Connect.
Experience.
Hug. And kiss.
To be gentle.
To be forgiving.
To be kind.
To be open and flexible.
To work towards the greater good.

 
John Wesley said it. Hillary repeated it - do all the good you can, to all the people you can, for however as long as ever you can.
 
We will survive these times by being love, being peace, being awake, being kind, being active.
 
As we’ve been saying in our household, Don’t Worry. Be Active.
 
In love and gratitude to each of you, to my wife, to my community and to this very sacred precious life –

TODAY’S EASY ACTIVISM IS:

1. SENATOR CALLS

  • TAXES
  • INDEPENDENT INVESTIGATION TO RUSSIA
  • JEFF SESSIONS RESIGNATION 

CONGRESS CALLS

DEMAND THEY VOTE NO TO ALL OF THESE BILLS -

  • H.R. 861 – Terminate the EPA
  • H.R. 610 – Tax dollars for Private Schools
  • H.R. 899 – Terminate the Dept of Education
  • H.R. 69 Repeal the rule to project wildlife
  • H.R. 370 Repeal the Affordable Care Act
  • H.R. 354 Defund Planned Parenthood
  • H.R. 785 National Right-to-Work legislation (this will cripple the unions)
  • H.R. 83 Mobilizing against sanctuary cities (strips these cities of federal funding)
  • H.R. 147 Criminalize Abortion

 
PLEASE SHARE!
 
FIGHT THE HATE & KEEP THE FAITH!
 
LOVE LOVE LOVE. It is all we need. 
 
:: genessa

A Good Friday

#Day41

I'm feeling gushy this morning. It's Friday. Another wild ride of weirdness is winding down. Phew.

And there is much good -

  • Moonlight is still the Best Picture.
  • When We Rise premiered on National Television. 
  • George W is back on the scene and adored by everybody. Hindsight is so funny. 
  • The Obamas closed a ridiculously large book deal which I'm certain they will use the proceeds for good. 
  • The Regime continues to lie and obfuscate and yet, the truth comes out. Thank you Washington Post.
  • Racists will crumble.
  • Crooks will be caught.
  • Obamacare will prevail.
  • We will right the wrongs.


Yes, we still have endless work to do, which is what it is.

And I woke this morning with my heart is bursting with love and appreciation for you.

You, the warrior of love, truth, honesty, humanity, possibility, goodness. 

You, the upstanding citizen, green card holder, immigrant.

You, old and new friends and strangers who talk on the street.

You, who values black lives, women lives, immigrants lives, science, water, earth, mother, bears, wolves, dogs, cats and kindness.

You, who has decided our voices together are stronger, that we the people, matter more than anything else.

I am exulted by you. 

TODAY'S EASY ACTIVISM
The focus remains - Russia. Taxes. Jeff Sessions. 2018.

1. Keeping calling your Senators about Russia, Taxes and Jeff Sessions. 

Demand an independent investigation. Sally Yeats could do it.
Demand trump release his tax returns. Demand Jeff Sessions resign. 

2. DONATE to Jon Ossoff. Or Volunteer. Turn Georgia blue.

3. TRACK what seats are up in 2018. All of the House. Boy Bye Lyin' Ryan. Please make it true. 25 Senators. 17 Governors. Are they in your state? Who's running? Help educate us. 

4. SUPPORT ORGANIZATIONS YOU VALUE -
ACLU. Greenpeace. Earth Justice. Standing Rock. Planned Parenthood. Ocean Conservatory. Humane Society. Reel Grrls. Trevor Project. Everytown for Gun Safety. Human Rights Campaign. And so on...

5. SUPPORT NEWS YOU VALUE. Lately, I can't stop buying young people subscriptions to Teen Vogue. 

KEEP LOVING. 
KEEP SHOWING UP. 
KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON. 

We are the majority. We are the lovers. We are the truth sayers. We are the beacons of light, hope, possibility, perseverance. We're here. We're queer. Get used to it.  

 

Pride is Born

Humans are resilient.  Throughout history we’ve shown we can endure and survive torture, death camps, bullying, shame, feeling othered.   We have been beaten, arrested and killed for who we are, yet we endure.

We have proven that we will fight for who we are, regardless of what it costs. 

I had language for loving women at age 15.  John Irving’s The Hotel New Hampshire gave it to me.  Susie the Bear’s head between Franny’s thighs was the light bulb that sent an electric hot pull from my heart to my belly and down between my legs.  While I had sought out pleasure before, mostly from the bathtub facet, I had never known what resonant lust felt like until that moment.

From that single paragraph on, I was on a quest. To be Franny.  Or Susie the Bear.  More likely, to love Franny just like Susie the Bear.  Unrequited.  Frustrated.  Without my mask on.

Amy Burwell was my first Franny.  My first object of young girl desire.  I fantasized about her.  I dreamt about what it would be like to touch her.  Boldly I told her I had to have her.  She wasn’t interested.  Thankfully she was kind about it.  Maybe she liked my attentions.  She simply preferred boy.  It’s how she’s made.  Something she never felt an ounce of shame about it.

Pam Jacobs was my next Franny.  She lured me in, daring me to want her.  Which I did, with deep obsessive lust.  At seventeen she was my first girl kiss.  We made out on her twin bed to Barbra Streisand’s A Star Is Born.  The black, black widow is sittin’ in the middle of the web, it’s the flies she seeks. You maybe her lover but you never will recover, she ain’t had a bite for weeks.  Pam Jacobs, the black widow who spun me into a shame of my same sex desire.  She lured me in and burned the heat of homophobia into my soul.  While I sought out more lip smacking, she spread, like wildfire, my desires to every high school senior we knew. 

I became gossip.  Every party I walked into a scene, a parting of the red sea.  Stand back people. The leper has arrived.  Looks and whispers surrounded me. Dyke. Lesbian. Gay. Words I heard more often than my own name. 

I became reckless.  Drinking.  Drugging.  Driving. Going to Gay bars alone. Going home with strangers.  Swingers.  Straight couples looking for a night of thrills.  I was underage.  Underdeveloped.  Uncomfortable. Trying on everything that approached me, looking for something to fit.

Over the next eight years I fell in love and in bed with each of my best girl friends.  They were curious. I was persuasive. We drank a lot.  They always hated me the next day.  Or days.  Sometimes weeks and months would pass before they wanted to hang out again.  Before they trusted me to be cool with them. 

From their disdain grew my knowing of love. Love is hurtful. Love happens behind closed doors. You have to beg, chase and manipulate to be loved.  Love sometimes happens in the shower of your co-ed dorm. Love will happen in a threesome. Love happens if you drink enough tequila.  Love is not something everybody deserves.

I spent years in this mindset. 

At twenty-five I came kicking, screaming and fighting out of the closet.  I showered the disdain I carried from all those years of shame upon my Gay girlfriend, the woman who brought me out, who loved me, the one who showed me how yummy same love could be. 

I vacillated between loving and loathing.  She who I knew no sleep with, staying awake into the wee hours of the morning with just to touch and be touched.  The one I wrote poetry about.  The woman I learned to I cook for.  Bathed with.  Rode bikes all over New York City with. 

I loved her with every ounce of my genetic makeup.  My body electric for her touch. My lungs swallowed her breath. I hated her for loving me. For confirming the label of me.  For making my parents stop talking to me. For proving I was different and would never be like the straight girls I grew up with, the ones now married who I Frannied all those years ago.

I danced in and out of the closet, changing my orientation like runway models change their clothes.  One minute I was Gay and reveling in uniqueness. RuPaul’s Wigstock in Tompkins Square Park was my new playground and so much more fulfilling than the straight-girl mandated time at the mall.  MAC makeup sponsored the event forever owning a burgeoning demographic.  Their presence a small yet victorious validation of Trans, of Gay, of me. I became an advocate fighting for the lives of all those with HIV and AIDS.  My graduate school thesis an installation of stories of Gay men and women, drug addicts, and kids infected by tainted blood.  I raised money.  I raised awareness.  I raised my freak flag high in the air shouting “love me or leave me.”

In New York City I lived out, as a Gay woman holding hands walking down the street, dancing and fucking in The Sound Factory, at Grey Gardens, until mid to late morning the next day. I was free. Free to be me. Free to love. Free to be touched and actually like how it felt.

Free until I crawled back in.  The closet kept calling.  I closeted myself for parents, for strangers on airplanes, for friends I knew my entire childhood.  One moment I was a liberated Gay woman activist and the next I was shoveling dirt over my body, covering myself in grave of shame. 

As bold as I tried to be I just wanted my parents to love me.  I wanted them to be proud of me.  I wanted to be able to give them a son-in-law and grandchildren the way they believed it should be.

I had so many girlfriends.  Twenty plus years of one – two year relationships.  With non-existent stakes, I made no vows. My commitment was based on self-love and self-loathing.  On days where my pride flew high, I loved her, whichever her I was with.  When streams of straight wedding invites, never with a plus one on the envelope, littered the floor, I was straight.  I loved cock, cum and my pussy longed for a big rugged man.  In one day out the next.  The only constant the chipping, actually chiseling, of shame on my sense of place in the world.

It’s amazing what you can get used to.  The damage you internalize while fighting for your rights.  Nobody comes out unscathed.

I woke early on Friday June 26, 2015 in anticipation of the Supreme Court ruling. I grabbed my phone and wept as I read the headlines. Rubbing up to my wife sleeping beside me, I whispered in her ear, “it passed.”  I had no idea how that ruling would change everything.  How thirty-two years of shame would be stripped away in Justice Kennedy’s final paragraph.  I’d grown so familiar with being less than, marked in pride and shame, I never could have guessed that becoming ordinary would feel so extraordinary.